YOTO! "You Only Turn Thirty Once!"

The girls before we walked to the Boat

I have to say, I have the best friends that a girl could ask for. My 30th birthday was on the 14th. My friend Michelle (who is the best!) thought it would be fun to celebrate by going to the Riverboats on a dinner cruise. I thought it sounded fun (but of course, my instinct is to worry about being comfortable while there, but she insisted). So she planned everything, including getting a hotel room so we could stay in Newport for the night. Michelle would not let me pay for any of it. We booked the Admiral's Dinner Cruise for 8/19, the weekend after my birthday. I worked on my birthday and didn't have any plans. Before I took lunch that day, one of the managers in our office came over with a big box. I thought she was giving me a side job to do, as she sometimes does. So when she smiled and said happy birthday I kind of chuckled and said thanks. She laughed and assured me it wasn't work and said the package had just been delivered for me. I was shocked! I had no clue what it might be, or who would have sent it. At that point a couple of coworkers were gathered around to check it out. I opened the box and found the card and instantly started crying! Michelle, Lisa, and Anna (and the rest of their family) had sent me chocolate covered strawberries and cake pops for my birthday! I had not expected that at all, especially since they were paying for our trip coming up! It absolutely made my day! All day I kept looking at the note and it just made me feel so good. I don't think they will ever know how much that really meant to me.After work I did end up going to Frickers for dinner with my sister and Michelle. It was such a nice day!

My birthday surprise deliver!

Saturday morning I had to run to the DMV to get my registration for my new car switched over. I tried to get everything ready during the week because I wanted to relax as much as I could and take my time getting ready. (I always get hot when doing my hair and I was nervous and excited so I knew that it would be worse.) Luckily I didn't have to wait inline at the DMV so it didn't take more than 10 minutes. I got home and finished packing for the night. I planned on wearing my dress down there since it was comfortable and the less I had to pack the better. We had to take a few cars so I picked up Michelle and Anna and we met Sam and Molly at Molly's house. Ciara and Lisa were driving down together, Ciara was not staying the night. Molly and Sam drove separate, but we wanted to leave together so we would hopefully get there around the same time. When we got to the hotel everyone got ready and it was just about time to head to the boat. It was really nice because the boat was in walking distance of the hotel. Once we got on the dock they were taking everyone's picture. I was hot and had started to sweat a little bit, so I really didn't want my picture taken. But I am so glad that they took the pictures because it turned out really good! (My friends ended up taking my purse away from me, and paying for the picture and drinks that I had on the boat. I was completely spoiled!) Once we found our table (where there were birthday balloons to surprise me!) and got settled we decided to go up on deck to watch the boat take off. It was really cool. I don't think I have ever been on a boat, not even a small one. Once we started moving it felt a little strange, but I got used to it quickly. We got back to our seats and it was time for dinner. The food was great! They had salad, mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, roasted veggies, carved turkey and steak. And they had cheese cake for dessert. I had a few drinks, one was a lemon one, Ciara had decided to try it too. I can't remember what it was called but it was really good. After dinner we went back upstairs to the top deck where there was a band playing. We just hung out there for the rest of the ride. It turned out to be perfect weather for being on the water.

On board for the Admiral's Dinner Cruise 

The Bengals Stadium (They had a game going on)

Cincinnati was so pretty all lit up! 

I was obsessed with this bridge. It was so pretty all lit up!

Free pics with the Polka Player
My Brother Tony would be proud

After the boat cruise my friends asked what I wanted to do next. In all honesty I probably would have been ok with just going back to the hotel. I am just so uncomfortable going out. They mentioned going to The Hofbrauhaus and I have always enjoyed myself there so I said that sounded great. We got there and there were not nearly as many people there as normal. It is usually packed. Once we got there I was really glad that we didn't just go back to the hotel. I decided to not worry about how I looked, and if I got sweaty. I was having such a great night and so thankful for my friends. The Hofbrauhaus is a German resturaunt/bar. It is modeled after the Hofbrauhaus in Germany. They brew their own beer there onsite and it is great. They have live polka music, people get up on their seats and dance. There was another big group there the night we went and the guys were going around dancing with everyone. They kept coming over to our table and dancing with us. One of the girls told them it was my birthday so he said he owed me a dance. I of course was hesitant because I was pretty hot and somewhat uncomfortable but I went for it and it was so fun! Ciara Lisa and I danced pretty much the whole time we were there. Lisa and Michelle wanted to do a shotski (Everyone takes a shot off of a long wooden board). So we ordered the lemon drop shots and when they brought it out, instead of bringing it to the front of our table the band called us up front since it was my birthday to do it in front of everyone. By the looks of the pictures I looked terrified to take the shot lol. It wasn't bad but it was a really big shot and took a few gulps to get it down. It was so fun because the whole place was cheering us on while we did the shot.

Enjoying some Dunkel

Ciara and I. I was so glad she came!

My face in this picture is awesome! I look terrified! 

Shotski!

Taking the Shotski like champs!

Thank goodness Lisa got us some relief!

We stayed there until the place closed and some of the girls were ready to go back to the hotel but Lisa, Ciara and Anna wanted to go out to Arnie's (a club right down the street). I NEVER want to go dancing, ever. I repeat NEVER. It isn't because I don't like to, I just am not comfortable with myself to go out there and dance. But I was having so much fun (and had plenty to drink, which I am sure helped) so I decided to go. Ciara drove us over there, since she was not staying the night she would be going home from the club. When we got there it was packed and it was really hot in there. We started dancing and just had a really good time. There were a few guys who were dancing with us off and on and then out of nowhere one guy came up behind me and started dancing. I went with it and we danced for a long time, almost the whole time we were there. It was really hard to hear in there so I couldn't hear anything he said. I can honestly say I have never really danced like that with a guy before. It was getting a little hot and heavy, if you catch my drift ;) We stayed at Arnies until they closed and Ciara drove us back to our hotel. She dropped us off and while we were walking in a group of guys were heading in and came over and started talking to us. It turned out that Anna knew one of them. He was friends with her ex. They said they had a few rooms and invited us to come up and hang out. At this point I was too drunk to care so we went up with them. There were tons of people in their room. I guess they were there for a bachelor party. (My friends were not trashed and I completely trusted their judgement.) It was a lot of fun hanging out with them. We had a few more drinks and just hung out. One of the guys was very fond of Lisa, she enjoyed it but was a good girl! I didn't have any idea what time it was but we decided we needed to head to our rooms and get to bed. As we were walking down the hall the security guard walked down the hall and said it was 4 in the morning and we need to get to our rooms. I made it back to my room and kicked off my shoes and went to bed. I didn't bother changing or anything lol. I woke up around 8 and Sam and Molly were about to head down to check out the free breakfast. I got up and showered and by then we were all ready to head home. Michelle really wanted to stop at IHOP on the way home since we don't have one around our house. I felt miserable but agreed to go. The place was packed and we had to wait almost 30 minutes for a table. While we waited, Lisa walked next door to Walgreen's and got Anna and I some Aleve. We had the worse service for breakfast and I was so glad when we hit the road to get home. As soon as I dropped everyone off I went straight home, carried my bag in and slept the rest of the day. I had such a great night, a little hangover was totally worth it! I can't remember the last time I had as much fun as I did that night.  It was not a typical night for my friends and I, we don't go out partying and drinking all of the time, but it was such a fantastic night! Once I decided I wouldn't care what others thought, I had the time of my life.

The Silent Struggle

Here I am again... How many times can a person "fall off the wagon"? This time around I have fallen hard. Harder than ever before. I am not going to dwell on how it happened or why. I guess I honestly don't even know how or why. But I do want to talk about something very serious that I am battling with. I have dealt with it for a really long time, almost since I can remember (although, I don't think I realized it for a while).

Depression is taking over every part of my life. I have no motivation to do anything. Even simple everyday tasks seem to take so much energy. I just don't seem to care about much and very little motivates me. Some days I wonder how I even made it out of bed to get to work. I have been wanting to write about this for awhile but I don't even know where to start. There are a few things that are bringing me down, but deep down inside, I think what makes me the most unhappy is my weight. One might think knowing what is causing my depression, I would just change it. But it just isn't that simple. (I didn't get to this weight because I was happy with who I am) I know that I am seriously over weight, and that I am extremely unhealthy. But when I try to motivate myself to lose the weight, I immediately think, why bother? I can honestly say, I sometimes wonder what my purpose in living is. I feel so selfish and horrible for even thinking that way. But that is my reality. The past month or so has been dark. Most days I can get through with out getting too down. I will have a break down here and there but I can fake it and appear to be okay to those around me. Unfortunately, there have been more dark days than not here lately. I can be sitting in a room with friends or family, and it will just hit me. If I wasn't here anymore, would it even affect what is going on in that moment? And that thought in itself, breaks my heart. I know in reality it would affect others, but when you feel completely hopeless and lost, it is hard not to think that way.

Week 8 and 9

Well I kind of fell off the wagon. I guess it was more like I was hanging on the back of the wagon, being dragged along. I am just going to sum up the past 2 weeks and maybe get into some issues that I have been having, if I have time.

Week 8:

Week 8/9 (Also St. Patricks Day)

Week 8 started out amazing! Katie and I attended the Cross-fit session that we had signed up for. I was so nervous, and my nerves got even worse once we got there. We walked in and it was what I expected. It was a big bare room, with weights all over. I didn't know what to expect, as far as the people there. When we got there, there were tons of people there. It turns out it a class was ending and a new one was about to begin, so it didn't stay as crowded for long. Everyone was so amazingly nice!! As soon as we started talk to the instructor (I am not sure that is the proper term lol), I felt so much more comfortable. The first thing he said was not to be intimidated by the class going on. He explained that we would not be doing anything like that at all and that the people in that class have been there for at least a year, and probably longer. We went into a different room where there was a "beginners" class going on. He said that the beginners class is where everyone starts, and stays for months. He has us start out by doing every move we would be doing for the actual class. When he was explaining what we were going to do I felt really nervous. He said we would be doing push ups and sit ups at the end. I said something along the lines of I can't do that. He looked at me and smiled, and said "oh yes you can". And boy was he right!! The work out included, rowing (which I had never done, and I really liked it), running weights to the other side of the room, walking with a medicine ball in between our legs, squats, sit ups, and push ups. It was all done one right after another, no break. I loved that he had Katie and I working out together, but gave us different amounts of work to do. Katie is in better shape than me so some of the things he had her doing a few more of. Once we got started I got really into and felt really great. I was shocked at what I could do. I was able to do 30 sit ups and push ups! I was shocked! I honestly didn't think I could even do 1. By the time we were done I was dripping in sweat, and felt amazing! I wish I could afford to join cross-fit. I know it would be worth the money, but I just don't have that kind of money to spend.

Angie, Me, and Michelle at the Rodeo

A bull getting payback!

Unfortunately, cross-fit was pretty much the only positive thing I can talk about from the past 2 weeks. I let myself eat like a pig over the weekend and swore I'd get strict on Monday. Well it never fails, I didn't I have struggled the past 2 weeks with sticking with it. The rest of the time I was pretty busy doing random things with friends. Michelle and I went to the rodeo... I have never been to the rodeo and I probably won't go ever again lol. Michelle begged me to go with her. We went with her friend Angie, Angie's boyfriend, and then all of his friends. I am not a fan of some of them, and that was part of the reason I did not enjoy it. But it was something new and different to do.

Most of the past couple of weeks I have been getting caught up on the Veronica Mars tv show. Michelle, Anna, and Lisa love that show and the movie came out last Friday. It wasn't playing anywhere around here and Anna wanted to see it opening day. So we drove to Indiana to see it on Friday. It was such a great movie, just like the show! I have to say though, I was left mad at Veronica. I just didn't like the decision she made as far as boys go and how that played out. It was a fun trip! Anna's husband Robert, and daughter Courtney came also. We all had Tshirst for the show, everyone representing someone from the show. I was team Wallace.

Michelle and I before the movie

     

Lisa and I

Taking selfies on Michelle's phone lol

So far no eating out and no scale for lent are going well. I am wondering if not weighing in is making it hard for me to get with the program. Since I have not been eating out I have been cooking more, which I love. Last week I made a fiesta chicken pasta that I ate off of all week. I threw in all the veggies that I had on hand. I brought some in to share with the girls I work with and they liked it. Another thing I made was homemade oatmeal bars. I found the recipe on Pinterest and had been wanting to try it. I was stranded at home, because my car was out of commission again(!) so I decided to make them to kill some time. It is made with old fashioned oats, peanut butter, and honey. They were really good but I don't think they are very good for you so I won't be making them again. At least not with the same recipe. Everyone loved them, including myself. I ended up giving the rest of them away so I wouldn't eat them all.

My oatmeal bars in the making

I have also been on a taco kick lately. I did make them the healthy way, which is actually how I prefer them. I like ground turkey better than ground beef. I also got the low carb tortilla shells that taste just like the regular ones. I ate tacos this past weekend, and then last night I made them for my friend Leslie and I. I brought the left overs for lunch today. I could eat them everyday! I also made a salad for dinner last night and brought the rest of it for lunch also. I guess I can't say that I haven't done anything positive the past 2 weeks. I have made some healthier choices. The girls at work and I are doing a water challenge. We are tracking the amount of water we drink. I bought a pitcher that holds 64 ounces from the dollar store and marked it with times to help me drink it. If I see the time past and I have not had enough water I know I need to step it up. The weather is starting to get a little warmer so I have been able to walk a few times. I walked during my lunch break one day. It was so nice out! I can't wait for more spring weather!

Water Challenge I have hanging on my desk

My water pitcher at work

I took this pic while walking on my lunch break and thought it
was cool! It was really sunny and nice out. 

Week 7

Week 7 weigh-in

Eggs for my breakfast sandwiches

This week has been a successful one. I lost 3 lbs this week. I was very happy to see results after putting in a lot of hard work.This week I lowered my calories to 1200. However, on days that I worked out, I allowed myself to eat over that amount. I also started measuring my water and I made sure to drink plenty of water. In the beginning of the week I decided to make something to have for breakfast for the rest of the week. I am still struggling with making myself eat breakfast. I don't know what it is, but I just don't like eating breakfast. So I made some homemade breakfast sandwiches. I mixed some eggs with peppers and onions and baked them. After they cooled I topped them with a slice of cheese and an ounce of ham and made them a sandwich with some sandwich thins. I froze them and grabbed one each morning. They turned out pretty good. This week I will be making some changes to them, I just used what I had on hand the last time. I am not a huge ham fan so I am going to either add turkey sausage or maybe just add more to the egg for more flavor and skip the meat.

Home made breakfast sandwich

Confirmation of Crossfit class registration

I did really well this week with tracking my food and exercising. I did Zumba on Wed., gym on Tuesday and Thursday and a 2 hour Zumbathon on Saturday. My work out on Tuesday was really good. I made myself do more than normal and pushed myself to go at a higher rate. Thursday was not as great. I am not sure what was going on but it just felt like everything was just so hard for my body to do. I could barely stand to walk on the treadmill. But I made myself stick it out and got my work out in. On Friday, my friend Katie and I were talking about working out and things like that. The topic of Crossfit came up. She mentioned that she wanted to try it but it is to expensive to do it. But she thought that maybe going to one of the classes would help her get motivated to start working out again. I know a couple that does it regularly, and they have asked me to come with them, but I have always been to worried about not being in shape enough. I consider both of them to be athletes and I just wouldn't be comfortable. Katie and I kept talking about it and finally decided to take the plunge. There is a free introduction class, and we both signed up. We will be doing it Tuesday. (Which is actually today) I am excited about it and maybe it will hit me here later but as of right now I am not nervous. I am excited to see what it is all about. And like Katie said, I am hoping this will also give me a boost. I am glad Katie is actually going to come with me. I have been frustrated lately with working out alone. I have had several people tell me that they want to work out with me and even have had plans to do so, but they keep backing out. I just think that having a friend there would make it more entertaining. (Lisa is definitely and exception to this. She has come to Zumba and the Zumbathons with me and it's been great!)


After work on Friday I met with Lisa and Ciara for a "roommate" dinner. We haven't all 3 hung out together since we moved so it has been long overdue. We were going to Piada and I had looked online to get my nutrition information. I pretracked and stuck with my plan. It was so yummy! I made sure to eat light for the day so I could eat the pasta. I got the salmon with the pomodoro sauce. It was really good! And it was a good time catching up with Ciara, I don't get to see her often. We were there for several hours talking about anything and everything. It was a great time. When I got home Friday night I had a card in the mail that came that day. It was from Grandma McKinney! (My uncle Ken's mom) She had sent me a card and stuck a picture of me holding my cousin Brianna's baby that she just had. I was so excited to get the card from her, but not so much the picture. I hate having my picture taken and that picture shows the exact reason. This was back in December of 2013. And the sad thing is, this wasn't even when I was at my heaviest weight. I am hoping that if I want to quit at any point, I can look at this picture and realize why I have to keep going. It just makes me sick. The kids were at my parents house this weekend so after I got home and settled I got into a good game of cards with Abbie, Alex, and my mom. When I was a kid, we would always play cards with my grandma Buschur, and it was the best thing in the world! So whenever I play cards with the kids it brings back great memories.

Abbie and Alex playing cards

My mom and Alex playing cards

Adelynn with her new hat!
(And chocolate on her face)

Before leaving for the Zumbathon

 Saturday morning Lisa and I had a Zumbathon to go to. I got up and ready and just wasn't feeling it. I felt the same way I did on Thursday. I just felt like everything took so much energy, more than normal. I was hoping once we got there and got started that it would get better. But unfortunately it didn't. This Zumbathon was only 2 hours, last weekend was 3 hours. And I felt like this one lasted for ever. It also seemed like the instructors kept things at a pretty high pace. My left foot hurt the entire time. But thankfully near the end I did get into it and it was a lot better. It was interesting because when we started there were about 20 other women (and 1 guy) doing it and at the end the only ones left were Lisa and I, 3 other people and the instructors. I just don't understand why they would even bother coming if they are not going to stay. After Zumba Lisa and I stopped at Subway and had lunch. I got my regular buffalo chicken salad. It never gets old. When I got home I instantly got aggravated. Sitting on the counter are cookies, poptarts and candy. I just do not understand why my parents feel like they need to let the kids eat all of that junk when they are over. I understand spoiling them but that just seems to be to much to me. It also makes it so hard for me to be good. I pretty much stayed in my room the rest of the day to avoid eating a bunch of that crap. I am not able to resist things like that all of the time. After relaxing for a few hours it was time to get ready to head to Molly's. She invited us girls over to her place for a girls night of pajamas and pancakes. So I threw on some comfy sweats and headed out. On the way over I stopped at Kroger to get stuff to make smoothies. I wanted to make sure to have a healthy option so I offered to make smoothies. Boy is that stuff expensive, but it is worth it. Lisa also won a raffle at Zumba and it was a smoothie mix so we tried that out also. Girls nights are always such a good time. We just sat around talking while we ate and then put in a movie. We watched Last Vegas, it was really good.

Molly made some yummy blueberry topping

Strawberry blueberry smoothie

The rest of the weekend was kind of boring. I had to work overtime on Sunday night and had to get laundry done so I didn't get to do anything fun. I did run to the store and got stuff to make lunch. I thought it would be fun for the kids to make their own pizzas. I just got the sandwich thins and toasted them. Then I let the kids put the sauce and toppings on them. They really liked it. I was really sore all day so I must have gotten a good work out in at Zumba. On my way to work I stopped and got Penn Station, chicken teriyaki. It wasn't the healthiest but I counted the calories. It actually wasn't as good as I thought it would be so I probably won't get it again anytime soon. I resisted the fries. I don't usually care for fries but I do like them from there. When Judy came in to relieve me she mentioned how proud of me she was and that she could really see a difference already. She just kept going on and on about how proud of me she was. We talked for a good 20 minutes about how my diet has been going. She said that I need to decide on a little goal, and once I get there she is going to buy me an outfit! I told her no way, that would be to much money but it about made me cry. Sometimes people I don't think even know or really care what I am doing make me feel so good about my efforts. I didn't expect it at all from her. It made my night :)

Also, Sunday 2/23 is the anniversary of my uncle Dean passing. He passed away in 2003 from esophageal cancer. I miss him like crazy. He always had a smile on his face and I miss seeing it!! <3

Uncle Dean

                                        

I weighed in on Monday morning and I was so happy to see the weight loss. But for some reason all I wanted to do the rest of the day was eat, and that is pretty much what I did. I don't know what it was but I just ate non stop. And although I ate like a pig all day, I still didn't eat as badly as I normally would on a day to day basis when I wasn't on a diet, which is sad. By the time I was ready for bed I realized I had been uncomfortable all day and it started turning into a stomach ache. By the time I got in my PJs and turned off the lights my stomach was absolutely killing me. I was miserable. I am sure it was from all of the junk I had eaten. I have to remember how bad I felt next time I want to eat like that. I had trouble falling asleep, it hurt so bad. I luckily did eventually fall asleep and slept through the night. Well today I got right back on track and have I crossfit tonight so hopefully this coming week is as successful as last week.

Adelynn cuddling with me Sunday morning

Some more cuddles.
She couldn't be any cuter!

 

A great example of the junk I saw siting out for the kids
There is even more crap behind the pop tarts.
(Next to my bananas lol)

Week 6

Well I am disappointed to say I did not lose any weight this week.I am so aggravated. I honestly thought that I did really well this week. I worked out 4 times (including a 3 hour Zumbathon). But it is what it is. Looking back I can think of a few problems from the week but I will get to that a little later. The week started out ok. I was PMSing and that made things a little difficult. Most of the week all I wanted to do was eat everything in site. On Monday I gave away a box of granola bars that I had at my desk because I was afraid I was going to eat the entire box. And I honestly wouldn't have been surprised if I did. I was supposed to go to ZUMBA on Monday night. I had text a few friends that have mentioned before about maybe coming with me, but I never heard back. (Lisa ended up going, she just forgot to text me back. I felt so bad I didn't go!) So I had decided I was just going to go the gym and get it over with. (When I go to ZUMBA, I have to wait over an hour after work to even head that way.) So I made myself go to the gym. I was doing ok but I just felt like everything was so hard. (I don't know what else one would expect from a work out...) I started feeling down and comparing myself to everyone at the gym. I kept thinking about what they might be thinking about me working out. I just did not feel as if I belonged there. I finished my work out and quickly left. As soon as I got into my car I started crying. I am going to blame this on PMS. I stopped myself and posted something on MyFitnessPal. I need to learn how to deal with these emotions. After posting it and writing about it I started feeling better. 

On my lunch break one day this week I went to Target and looked at their fitness stuff.  I have been thinking about getting stuff to keep at my desk to help me get some movement during my shift. I ended up just getting 5 lb. weights. I am thinking about getting a fitness ball to sit on because I keep reading how that works out your core. I am not sure how comfortable I will feel doing that though, so it may not happen. On Wed. when I got to ZUMBA, Lucy  (the instructor) asked me how I was doing.  She mentioned that she was going to make me a CD. I was so excited! She is so supportive and makes me feel so good about myself. Friday was Valentines day. I wasn't really worried since I am single. I didn't expect to get any treats but when I got to work Sandy, one of the women I work with, had brought us cheesecake and she had also given me a bag of  mini Reese Cups.I counted my calories for both and still ended the day under calories. But I know I shouldn't have eaten them. I need to get more strict on what I choose to eat. Just because I have the calories, does not mean I can eat junk. 

Saturday morning I woke up with the worst menstrual cramps. I had planned on taking the kids to a birthday party for my friend Katie's kids. I just felt absolutely miserable. But I would have felt absolutely horrible if we missed the party. I went ahead and got ready and picked up the kids. On the way there Alex started acting up and it took everything I had not to just turn around and take them back home. I know my female problems made it worse but it was a frustrating experience. Adelynn did not want to listen at all, the entire time we were there.I don't think she had ever been to Chuck E Cheese before and it was just so exciting for her. At one point I had to take Alex to the bathroom and I asked if it was ok if Adelynn stayed with Katie and her kids. (Everyone was eating at the table at this point) Well as we are walking out of the bathroom I see Katie's mom running across the place and I see Adelynn running from her! I felt so bad!! The kids did have a really good time, so that I am happy about. 

During the party both Molly and Lisa had text me. I had invited them on FB to a ZUMBATHON that I had wanted to go to. I didn't think that any of my friends were interested in it and I still had planned on going, until I woke up with those horrible cramps. Once I dropped the kids off I went home and put on a heating pad to hopefully help with the pain. I text them back and they both said they wanted to go. I was really glad because I know if they hadn't gone I wouldn't have. I rested until it was time to leave. It was in Germantown and that is about 50 minutes from my place. Lisa met me at my house and we picked up Molly on the way there. I was a little nervous about it but I tried not to worry. Once we got there I felt a lot more comfortable. I am usually the only overweight person there and this was no exception. I hate that I even think about this but it is something I think about a lot. We got there a little early and were surprised there didn't really seem to be many people there yet. We walked around and looked at the vendors that had set up tables. They had some raffle tickets for door prizes so we entered a few of those. By the time it was starting there still were not as many people there as I thought, which made me feel more comfortable lol. There were 3 different instructors doing it and there was one that I really liked a lot. She did a really good job of showing you what the moves were. The entire time I felt pretty good. It was so much fun. I wanted to make sure to get the best work out I could so I pushed myself the entire time. Once I started getting warn out I just kept telling myself to push hard for a little longer and if I had to slow down then I would. I think I did a pretty good job of keeping up. (It also helped that there was a cupcake vendor and we had all decided to get one after we finished.) Near the very end Lisa and Molly ran up to get a water, they had the door prize drawings through out which gave us a few minutes break. I noticed a lady walking my way but I assumed she was going to stop and talk to someone else. But turns out, she was coming to talk to me. I didn't know her so when she first asked if she could talk to me I was thrown off. She wanted to come and tell me that she had been watching me through out the night and wanted me to know how much I had inspired her! (I am about to cry just writing about this lol!) She said that she has lost a lot of weight and always thought ZUMBA looked fun but was to afraid to even try it. (She was there with a vendor table.) She wanted me to know how great of a job I did and that even with 3 different instructors, I did an awesome job and kept up with everyone. She started to tear up a little bit while she was talking to me, and that of course made me tear up. She gave me a hug and told me to keep it up and I was an inspiration to everyone there. I was speechless. She will never know how much those kind words meant to me. I was already feeling pumped but after that I was on top of the world. When she went back to her table Lisa and Molly came back over to see who it was or what she had said and when I told them they were just as excited as I was. I can honestly say, that was one of the best things I have heard in a long time. It really made me feel like I am on the right path. I also look at that and think about what I might have passed on because I might not be comfortable with myself. If I hadn't put myself out there the very first time I went to Zumba I wouldn't have been there that day, and I wouldn't have met her. I have to keep putting myself out there and try new things. I never know what it might turn into. And you never know when you are inspiring someone. 

Molly, Lisa, and I before the Zumbathon

My new 2X sweater :)

After ZUMBA we went back to Molly's for a little bit. We enjoyed our cupcake that we earned and talked for  a little while. When I got home it was about 11:30. I was still hyped up (I am always energized after ZUMBA). I watched tv for a few hours and just kept thinking about the night. It was so much fun. I finally went to bed around 3am. I woke up Sunday with horrible cramps again. I had made plans to go to the movies with Leslie and I had wanted to do some shopping. I took the morning easy and we met up around 1. The movie was playing at 4:30 so we had plenty of time for shopping. We went to Kohls and I grabbed some tops to try one. I grabbed the 3X as I normally would. I found a really cute sweater that I was in love with but they only had it in a size 2X and I just knew that it wouldn't fit. But I wanted to try it anyway. Well am I glad I did because it fit! I was so excited. I tried on a few other tops and most of them were to big! I was so excited!! Some of the 3x stuff still fit but I was so happy to fit into some 2xs. While we were there I wanted to look for some new gym shoes. Again I grabbed my normal size 10 but quickly realized they were all to big. I have worn a size 10 shoe for as long as I can remember. By not anymore! I tried on the 9.5 and they fit perfectly. Although the scale isn't moving as I would like, it is great to see progress in other areas. Unfortunately when I weighed in on Monday, all of the excitement from the weekend disappeared. I was so upset that I hadn't lost anything. I kept thinking about how much I worked out and I thought I did pretty good with my eating all week. I let it get the best of me and Monday night I binged on some chips and cookies. After thinking more about it, I could have made wiser food choices and so that is what I am trying to focus on this coming week. I am not going to let this stop me. I refuse to give up. 

Week 5

Week 5. Pounds lost -.7 Total loss: 32 lbs.

The support I received on
FB was amazing

Well this week has had its ups and downs. Luckily, I weighed in down from week 4's weigh in, although, not by much. I lost .7 lbs this week. So far, during the challenge, I have lost 9 lbs. (32 lbs total). There really isn't a whole lot talk about as far as how the week went. Mon-Friday I did a really good job staying on track. There were a few days where all I wanted to do was eat, but I was able to distract myself. I didn't go to Zumba so I finally made myself go to the gym on Thursday. I don't really know why I am so afraid of working out in the gym. Once I got there I felt pretty good about it. I did have sort of an issue. I was on the treadmill, minding my own business when a mother and her daughter (I assume) came in. The daughter, I assume to be high school age, got on the treadmill next to me. Right away I realized she wasn't there to work out She kept taking "selfies". She had been on it for about 5 minutes and hadn't even started the machine. Then I realized she kept looking at me. It was like she was starring at me. At that moment, I was so aggravated. That is exactly the reason I do not feel comfortable in the gym. She kept starring at me the entire time she was on the treadmill. It took everything I had not to say something. She soon got off of the machine and just kept walking around the gym taking "selfies" in different places, not working out at all. Once she was off the treadmill next to me, I quickly changed my thoughts. I knew that I couldn't let someone like that bring me down. I started feeling proud of myself for being there. I got in a really good work out, for not having been at the gym for so long. When I got back to my car, I posted something on FB about it. I was shocked at the response I got. I posted it as motivation for myself. I wanted to be able to look back at it to remember why I am doing this. I ended up with over 50 people "liking" the status, and tons of comments. It made me feel so much better! I couldn't believe the response I got. I wasn't expecting or looking for anything like that.

Adelynn with bed head lol!

Adelynn and Alex "playing guitar" Friday night

Friday night the kids spent the night. My brother and sister and law were both off of work and wanted to go to dinner with my other brother and his wife to celebrate her graduating Nursing school. On the way home I stopped and got my favorite, Jersey Mikes, for dinner. I was able to eat and relax a little bit before they dropped the kids off. As soon as they got there the cookies were opened. It drives me crazy the amount of cookies that the kids eat when they are over. My dad makes sure they are fully stocked. I understand that they are the grandparents and they want to be able to spoil them. It just seems like they eat so many cookies I can't get them to eat. And whenever I say something about it, when the kids ask for some, my mom has a smart ass comment about how I won't let them, instead of just saying no. Anyway... It was so hard for me to resist those cookies. I had 3 cookies and tracked them. I just wanted to eat more and more of them. When I woke up on Saturday I made myself scrambled eggs. The kids wanted these little sausage biscuits. So I started heating them up and I decided I would have a pack of them. Well of course, 1 pack turned into 2. And what makes it even worse, they were not even something I enjoyed. I don't get why I even wanted to eat the second pack. Tony came and picked up the kids around noon so I took Alex shopping with me. I hadn't gotten Adelynn her birthday gift yet. Since he behaved so well I let him pick out some candy to share at the party. I was eyeing the candy but I decided to pass. I was surprised I was able to pass on candy. That has always been one of my down falls. Saturday afternoon was the birthday part for Adelynn, she turned 3. I had decided last week that I would not be eating cake or ice cream at the party. Once again, that went out of the window. I decided I was going to eat what I wanted and get back on track Monday. So I had cake, ice cream, and walking tacos (just one). I usually have a rough time with my depression on the weekends but so far so good. I was enjoying my time with the kiddos. It makes me so sad that they are growing up so fast. Abbie is getting to be a teenager, and her attitude is just as you would expect, haha! She is always glued to her Ipod. She is obsessed with 1D. It makes me want to apologize to my siblings for the time I was obsessed with the Backstreet Boys lol.

Abbie and I at the birthday party.
She is ducking to get into the pic...
She needs to stop growing! 

Adelynn after opening her gifts.
I see an ER visit in her future

The birthday girl!

Doing her nails :) 

Lisa and I 

Tried putting in some effort getting ready.
I took a Selfie lol

After the birthday party I headed home to relax for a little bit. Lisa had asked me earlier in the week to go out with her to celebrate one of her work friends birthday Saturday night. I told her probably. One of the biggest issues that I have is not being comfortable around other people, even friends. This has negatively impacted my life in ways you wouldn't even imagine. I have always been a bigger girl, and somewhat uncomfortable with myself. But even then, I was still able to be outgoing and didn't let that get in the way of enjoying my life. With in the past few years it has gotten out of control. There have been so many times that I have made excuses not to go do things with friends. I feel like a horrible friend because of it, but as bad as it makes me feel, I have not been able to get passed it. The biggest problem I have is the fact I break a sweat doing almost nothing. This alone has been enough to isolate myself. Other issues are I just don't feel comfortable in my body and I worry the entire time about trying to cover up my stomach. I guess I just don't know how to let myself enjoy anything anymore. This is yet another reason I am depressed. I just want to feel "normal" again. I want to be able to go do things and not be so self conscious that I can't enjoy myself. When Lisa asked me about Saturday night I wasn't sure if I would actually go or not. All day Saturday I kept thinking about it. I wanted to go. I love hanging out with Lisa and any time I have met her work friends they have been really nice. But I didn't know who would be there, how late we would be out. I had never been to the bar (The Phone Booth) and I wasn't sure what to expect. I kept thinking about excuses not to go. Lisa text me around 7 and said if I was coming she would swing by and pick me up. I instantly felt nervous. But I text her back right away and said that I was going. I knew once I committed it would be harder for me to back out. The entire time I waited for her to get there I felt nervous and worried. You would have thought I was going on job interview or a first date rather than hanging out with my friend and old roommate. Once we got there I felt a little bit better. I used to live down the street from the bar but I had never gone in the place. It was pretty much what I expected. A whole in the wall, with an older crowd. That part made me feel more comfortable. We waited for a while for her friends to get there and I started to feel a little more comfortable. But once some of her friends got there I felt nervous again. I just kept telling myself to not worry and just enjoy myself. It ended up being a fantastic night. All of her friends were incredibly nice. I can't even tell you the last night out I had that much fun. I am sure the alcohol helped a little bit. There was an older band playing and the old people in the place seemed to really enjoy it and they were up dancing. There was one couple that were getting a little frisky on the dance floor, it was so funny! They had to be in their 70s. Lisa and I ended up dancing a few times. I never dance at places like that. But I felt so comfortable with all of Lisa's friends and well I was drunk haha. We stayed until 2 and then headed home.

Lisa, a new to us friend, and myself at The Phone Booth

I was a little hung over on Sunday so I lounged around all day until about 4. I finally made myself get up to go to the grocery. I knew if I didn't go then, I would have ended up eating like crap on Monday also. I spent way to much at the grocery. But I would rather spend more money on healthy food, and not spend any on fast food. The rest of my weekend. This week I hit 1/4th of my 100 day challenge and 1/2 way done with my 30 day squat challenge. I can say, so far so good. I am getting to the point where I am struggling to get all of the squats in. But I just keep pushing myself. And let me just say, my bum is feeling the burn! The 100 day challenge is going pretty well, I think. I know I need to get more strict and increase my exercise. So this week I am going to work on both. 

100 Day Challenge
Day 25 from tracking book.

I edited the skinny lady... She is now
saying WTF was I thinking haha!